- My name is Dead -

-Bruised and broken.

2005-01-26T02:48:49Z

I never thought I'd let myself go for one person.
I never thought I would ever be dependent on love.
I never thought I would choose someone else over my life.
I never knew something could mean so much to me.

I never thought I could get over something, such as love.
But I never believed how strong I truly am... and this is where I take my stand.

I don't want to waste my life on waiting for him to come back, because I never know if he will. Alas, if the time comes, and we both feel we can give it another chance, I'll be there with open arms. But this is life you guys and I'm tired of caring about what everyone else thinks about me. Might as well live the moment to its peak while I'm still alive.
l always love him with every inch of my heart, but I'm tired of not feeling the same.

"Sometimes we must get hurt in order to grow; we must fail in order to know."

-Quoted from Jessi.

2005-01-15T05:31:02Z

How is it [you] have such a grip on all of the things about me I don't even have a grip on?
[You] have this unreleasing control over my heart.
When [you]'re not happy, I'm not.
When [you] don't feel good, I don't.
When [you] speak, I cling to your words like the next one is going to be the answer to any question I could ask.
When [you] breathe, I watch like the next breath is going to carry all of my pain away.

It's amazing how much [you] mean to me.
I can't even focus anymore.
[You] are my constant thought.
[You] are my constant want.
[You] are my constant need.
When I'm with [you], I always want to be closer, no matter how close we are.

I am still in love with [you]. It's more than love.

I can't breathe without [you]r smile.

I love [you]. And I'm sorry for this... for all of this.

-Meh.

2005-01-12T12:46:12Z

Today just feel like it's not going to be a good day... at all.
My cat attacked me this morning and I burnt my arm trying to make toast. Eh. :\ Just a few ways to start off my day..

♥

2005-01-09T05:24:53Z

I got my car back today!! :)
Matt wants to go back out with me... even after what I did to him. And because I accept what I did, and I know that I wouldn't change that night I had being with Adam, I'm going to stay out of a relationship for now... unless it is with Adam ♥. I love him with every beat of my heart... and that's all I feel for now.
I seem like a bitch, but I'm not about to break another heart nor am I going to betray mine again.

I admit that I'm just a fool for you, just a fool for you.

-Buried in the tune that I call love.

2005-01-06T12:03:31Z

I start school this morning. I honestly don't understand why they make us start school at the end of a week... why not skip the two days that we start, let us have MORE of a break, and let us start the next week? It would make a lot of sense (*whispers* plus more days for us to sleep in late!).
I'm in a good mood day. Hopefully everything will go just dandy and I won't have to get bitchy towards anyone. This is my LAST semester in highschool. I can't believe it. Don't get me wrong, I'm READY to get out of there, but there were times that were just great at TCHS. I'm older, growing up, and moving on. :) This is what we call life and I'm ready to start experiencing it.

-I love to love you.

2005-01-06T03:41:35Z

I was able to see Adam for a few minutes today... I hugged and kissed him.
Something that simple made my heart feel so complete. I honestly love him.

br0ken_star @ 2005-01-05T22:20:00

2005-01-06T03:24:43Z

Alright... I have a question (favor)

Do any of you guys have anymore Funeral for a Friend songs, "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" by Green Day, and the song "Ohio is for lovers" by Hawthorne Heights?
If so, could you possibly upload it to me? Please!

br0ken_star @ 2005-01-04T23:03:00

2005-01-05T04:04:44Z

I'm in need for Funeral for a Friend's CD. Could I find it at Sam Goody?

-"...all the time."

2005-01-04T03:19:14Z

It's amazing to find a certain someone's picture that can either make you cry or make you smile from ear to ear.
Kinda confusing at times, but worthwhile.

br0ken_star @ 2005-01-03T11:47:00

2005-01-03T16:49:35Z

Good morning, world.

I've drank so much coffee this morning, I don't know what to do with myself. I never knew that coffee would make me THIS wide awake and shakey... it's insane. I hope today is a good day. I started bright and early.
Useless entry, just trying to keep myself occupieid. I'm gonna go give the dogs a bath. Ciao.

-And the reason is y o u.

2005-01-02T23:03:54Z

"when we die I want one big tombstone with both of our names on it. and I want to die a day before you, so I'll never be without you. I want to see the world with you, try everything I never thought I would. I would let go of my fears for a day, for you. and it would be worth it when you smiled at me afterward, rewarding me with flattery, without even using words."

Quoted from the wonderful Manda. I can't wait for a love that like...

br0ken_star @ 2005-01-02T17:54:00

2005-01-02T22:56:58Z

In the year 2005 I resolve to:

Stop being a productive member of society.

Get your resolution here

br0ken_star @ 2005-01-01T14:33:00

2005-01-01T19:33:52Z

I fucking hate it here. I need an escape.

br0ken_star @ 2005-01-01T02:47:00

2005-01-01T07:47:48Z

I'm so happy I have my baby back.

._.

2005-01-01T01:50:03Z

Dude, this sucks. I haven't been stuck in one place like I have been today in MONTHS. I don't like it, already. I need out!

br0ken_star @ 2004-12-31T20:35:00

2005-01-01T01:39:26Z

My love

Adam and Mat

Woo

You have to LOVE the wall.

So I may be car-less and job-less... but I'll be okay.

-Slut.

2004-12-31T20:12:11Z

So.. a LOT of shit went down last night. I ended up kissing Adam in front of Matt, Matt got pissed, we broke up, now Adam and I are back together (I believe). I got back what I truly loved, but I never meant to break his heart.
Then, I stayed with Adam at his house last night and my grandma came and found me.... She called my dad in the process which took away my car and got me fired from my job. I'm completely S.O.L.

2004 all summed up.

2004-12-28T04:55:44Z

1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before? Actually rode a rollercoaster and some other shit that I can't mention.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I sure did... and yeah, I plan on making more... I'm not sure what it's going to be though.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Yep

4. Did anyone close to you die? No

5. What countries did you visit? ...USA?

6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004? The balls to tell someone how I really feel and what I really want.

7. What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? April 7th, 2004... It's when Adam and I started dating...

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Self-discipline.

9. What was your biggest failure? Lying about some pussy bullshit.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? A few head colds here and there... and a major broken heart.

11. What was the best thing you bought? Uh... gas for my car?

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Matt Nabb... He's matured a lot.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Adam and Justin's.

14. Where did most of your money go? random shopping.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? I don't know... I guess when we went to Six Flags.

16. What song will always remind you of 2004? "The Reason" by Hoobastank..

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Happier in some ways, sadder in others.
ii. thinner or fatter? Definitely thinner.
iii. richer or poorer? Richer.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Controlling myself.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Hurting others.

20. How will you be spending Christmas? We ate breakfast, opened presents and then ate dinner.

22. Did you fall in love in 2004? Sure did... :( damn.

23. How many one-night stands? Ugh.. I went crazy after Adam and I broke up... I hate 4 one-night stands.

24. What was your favorite TV program? Whose line is it anyway?

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? Sure do.

26. What was the best book you read? I don't even know if I read a book this year... lol, pathetic.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? A lot.

28. What did you want and get? To see how it was to really fall in love... I got it, but lost it.

30. What was your favorite film of this year? Finding Nemo <~~that was great..

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I don't remember what I got for my birthday...

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? For Rogni to go to hell.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004? Bright and girly.

34. What kept you sane? Friends.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Dunno..

36. What political issue stirred you the most? *shrug*

37. Who did you miss? My Papa.

38. Who was the best new person you met? Probably Liz.. she's awesome as hell.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004: Be honest with yourself and everyone else... It'll save a heartache.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so, I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you"

Me in 2004 described in one word: Irritated.

Wow... filling that shit out brought back a shit load of memories.

br0ken_star @ 2004-12-22T01:18:00

2004-12-22T06:19:12Z

I hate this feeling... I still love him and I'm stuck wondering if he's merely even thinking of me..

:(

2004-12-22T05:40:02Z

I don't want a lot for Christmas
There's just one thing I need
I don't care about presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true...
All I want for Christmas
Is you...

I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
I don't care about presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I don't need to hang my stocking
There upon the fireplace
Santa Claus won't make me happy
With a toy on Christmas day
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you...
You baby

I won't ask for much this Christmas
I won't even wish for snow
I'm just gonna keep on waiting
Underneath the mistletoe
I won't make a list and send it
To the North Pole for Saint Nick
I won't even stay awake to
Hear those magic reindeer click
'Cause I just want you here tonight
Holding on to me so tight
What more can I do
Baby all I want for Christmas is you
You...

All the lights are shining
So brightly everywhere
And the sound of children's
Laughter fills the air
And everyone is singing
I hear those sleigh bells ringing
Santa won't you bring me the one I really need -
won't you please bring my baby to me...

Oh I don't want a lot for Christmas
This is all I'm asking for
I just want to see baby
Standing right outside my door
Oh I just want him for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
Baby all I want for Christmas is
You...

All I want for Christmas is you baby...

*sigh*

br0ken_star @ 2004-12-14T21:46:00

2004-12-15T02:52:27Z

Alright... so... I'm wondering why the hell the detective of the police department called my work today. I'm extremely worried because I know I've done a few things, however, if they were going to arrest me they wouldn't just call, ya know? They would find my ass and lock me up then. I'm really hoping it's nothing that I've done... maybe they're just questioning me about something or someone else. Hmmm... I'm actually really terrified about the shit. I tried calling the detective back but she had already left for the day, so hopefully that's an obvious sign that it wasn't really serious?
Fucking A dude... what have I got myself into now?

-Fat.

2004-12-01T03:50:32Z

I've barely been eating for the past three days... and I haven't lost weight? At all? What the crap... For some reason, I feel skinnier, but the scales aren't showing a difference. I think it's time for a fast and major exercising. Aerobics for Sarah on Thursday.
It's pathetic how obsessive I've gotten...

br0ken_star @ 2004-11-28T17:00:00

2004-11-28T22:02:38Z

Well... there goes another one to add to the list. *smacks forehead*
MEH.

I think I hear the song "Go DJ" coming out of my grandpa's room... hmmm...

br0ken_star @ 2004-11-26T06:48:00

2004-11-26T11:49:32Z

Gah... my family's Thanksgiving is like the dieter's hell.

br0ken_star @ 2004-11-21T18:46:00

2004-11-21T23:48:12Z

It really has been one hell of a weekend... pretty fucked up, mostly. I may update about it later.